10 lessons I have learned from being in a romantic relationship

I’ve been called a hopeless romantic. Been there and got the t-shirt. I’ve watched the rom-coms, I’ve read the books, and I’ve heard the songs. Before getting into my first relationship, this was all that I knew. It was my art canvas of what a relationship looked like for me. The careless whispers, secret rendezvous beneath the pale moonlight, and the sweet kisses of a rekindled love.

We’ve all seen the perplexities of romantic relationships in the cult-classic romance films. We Live In Time (new favourite), One Day, Love Actually, Good Will Hunting, and P.S. I Love You. My pick is the notebook. I have watched it too many times and I’m not apologising for it. An old-fashioned kind of love story that makes you believe romance isn’t dead, that love at first sight is real, and ‘if he wanted to, he would’ build you a house with a white porch and blue shutters…

Mr Noah Calhoun, everybody.

Being in a relationship, to me, feels like a gift.

The warmth of somebody else’s hand in mine, like a secret only we understand.

Locking eyes and feeling a calm surrender to the connection.

Cooking dinner together in the kitchen, that swiftly transforms into dancing to the music that plays on the radio.

Endless mornings spent tangled in sheets and sweet conversation.

Sleepless nights staying up till late, lost in the storytelling of previous lives.

Finding pieces of home in every smile, every touch, and every laugh.

The kind of love that feels like coming home, always.

You might be familiar with the statement ‘relationships are hard’, but ponder ‘how hard can they actually be!?’ as if everybody else is being overdramatic.

For me, it wasn’t until I got into a romantic relationship that I truly realised there is a lot more to a relationship than living for the hope of it all, late-night talking, sunset kisses, and heartfelt letters. It’s a lot more intricate than that.

Here are 10 valuable lessons I learned from love…

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• ‘once I get a partner, then I’ll be happy’ - I used to think this all the time. That, somehow, a relationship would be the missing piece to the puzzle I was looking for. But once I got into a relationship, I soon realised it does not work like that. Of course, my relationship fills up my life hugely. But it’s so important to have other sources of happiness too. Making a relationship the make-or-break to your happiness in life isn’t quite the right mindset. Your relationship should add to your life, but not be your life.

• love will find you when you least expect it - I really don’t want to sound too cheesy here, but I said it. I do actually think this is true. I used to spend so much time yearning for a relationship, but it would never happen. Eventually, I gave up focusing so much of my time thinking about being in one, and I focused on myself instead. I started to not care too much about the fact that I was single and just let it be. Guess what? When you’re not looking for it, love might just find you…

• your partner will not be able to fill all of your needs - While it is lovely to view our partner as our best friend, they will not always be able to fulfil every need in our lives. They might be able to, to a certain extent, but expecting one person to meet every need in your relationship might create a lot of pressure on the relationship. This is why maintaining meaningful friendships, relationships with family, or colleagues outside of your relationship is so important to find outside sources of support, happiness, and joy too.

• a good partner will bring out the best in you - Since being with Fletcher, I have definitely achieved a whole lot more in life. I started rock climbing (something I never would have considered doing before), cycling, paddle boarding across the coast, and I even started this Substack because he suggested I do. I think it’s nice that we share the same hobbies together and it makes my life much more valuable and rewarding. Not only that, but he is super supportive of my achievements. Hearing the words “I’m proud of you” means the world to me.

• past trauma - The way in which we love, have received love, and seen love when we were younger, stays with us throughout adulthood and therefore shows up in our romantic relationships too. I learned this just soon after being in a relationship. I discovered I had all sorts of fears and beliefs about love gathered from growing up. Once I was in a relationship, I was scared, afraid, and fearful of losing. I discovered past trauma I didn’t even realise I had. Learning to recognise and understand this can be difficult; it’s something I am still trying to understand and probably will continue to navigate for a long time. This is why open communication is so important in a relationship to me.

• you will have arguments - I always avoided confrontation in friendships. I never saw the point in bringing stuff up in conversation that would cause uneasiness. And while this might seem like a harmless thing to avoid, sometimes this can cause resentment or just make things worse. In a relationship, confrontation is bound to happen. You spend so much time together and are constantly learning about one another. Not every confrontation is a red flag; it might be due to silly things like hunger, stress, or boredom. What’s most important is how you manage and resolve conflict. Like talking and listening to each other calmly, respecting what the other person has to say, finding resolutions, and comforting one another. It’s important not to forget that you are two completely different people with different upbringings, opinions, and minds.

• open communication - Open communication in a relationship is so important, and I can’t stress this enough. Honesty and sharing how you feel with each other is crucial for a relationship to work. Withholding information can cause resentment, frustration, and unexplored feelings that topple over into an unnecessary argument. Openly discussing how you feel about your relationship, or the other person, or any problems you are having in your life, is important to get through the bumpy bits together. Our partners are not mindreaders; communicating is key.

• quiet moments - Quiet moments where words aren't needed, only the comfort of being near. Silences don’t need to feel threatened to be filled; instead, just the comfort of being with each other. There’s something special in that kind of connection. Not to forget, relationships aren’t always sunny days, swimming in the sea, or adventures late at night. There will be many days when it’s just the two of you working or being bored together, and that is normal.

• merging together - of course, spending so much time together, you sort of end up copying each other’s little habits and sayings. I think that’s quite nice. It’s like you’re carrying a little part of them everywhere you go in the way you walk, talk, laugh, and joke.

• our silly little worlds - you will truly come to know every single little thing about this person. Like in the way they rub their nose when they’re feeling nervous, or the way they snort when they laugh, snore when they sleep, or laugh at their own jokes. Call them imperfections, flaws, or your favourite parts about them. One of my favourite quotes from Good Will Hunting captures this feeling: “People call these things imperfections, but they’re not, that’s the good stuff, and then we get to choose who we let into our weird little worlds”.

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