"You're So Quiet"

thoughts on being 'the quiet one' and how quietness is often misunderstood.

I remember the day so vividly. I was in geography class, it was the last lesson before lunch, sitting at a table with four people who wouldn’t even exchange eye contact with me, let alone a smile, through a passing corridor. The walls were plastered with world maps hanging on by old bits of Blu-Tack, whilst pencil sharpenings were scattered like confetti on the floor, and a presentation about meanders was on the interactive whiteboard.

The teacher announced, “The next task requires you all to work in a group with those at your table”. Shifting my gaze to those around me to begin working together, before I even opened my mouth, the first thing someone in my group said directly to me was, “You don’t really speak, do you?”

It was a huge knock to my confidence. Yet, I knew this story all too well before…

Parents evening. The dreaded day when parents meet face-to-face with your teachers whilst you sit alongside, awaiting your evaluation of either scrutiny or appraisal. Paired with the scent of wooden floorboards and a lingering smell of lunchtime and plimsoles. Parent-teacher meetings were predictable for me. My designated ‘room for improvement’ was always the same sentence that went a bit like this: “She’s quiet in lessons. I’d like to see her put her hand up more…”. Comments like these were just the bane of my existence as a result of being ‘quiet’.

Being called ‘quiet’ by somebody who didn’t truly know me always felt like an entire attack against my whole being. A stab wound to the ego. It would make me feel like I somehow needed to change my behaviour because the way I was perceived wasn’t acceptable.

In a world that thrives on big personalities, being quiet is unfortunately perceived as a weakness. It somehow feels like ‘being quiet’ means you’re not funny enough, outgoing enough, chatty enough, friendly enough, or just boring. But this doesn’t make any sense to me.

Quietness is so often misunderstood and undervalued.

Because if you saw me with my best friend, you might think I was extroverted. If you saw me with my mum, you might think I was outgoing. If you saw me with my boyfriend, you might think I was confident.

You see, people assume that quiet people are quiet all of the time, which is simply not the case. For me, if I’m quiet around people, it’s often because I don’t know them well enough yet to feel at ease being fully myself. Sometimes, it’s a fear of being judged. Trust me. In this world, there are people who will make you feel like you belong and people who will make you never want to walk back into a room again where you don’t belong.

Other times, my quietness comes from a sense of calm, or simply because I’m choosing to listen rather than speak. And no. Because I’m being quiet doesn’t mean I’m shy, rude, moody, or boring. Thank you.

I used to get so caught up in my head when anyone said anything about me being quiet in social settings. I would actually begin to question “what could I have done better?” or “what could I have said more?” as if to attempt to erase parts of me or rebrand myself. All because of somebody else’s assumption.

We all make rapid assumptions about the people we pass on the street, those we know, and those we don’t, based on a quick glance, a small interaction, or merely based on nothing. And I used to spend a lot of my time worrying about how people perceived me. But people will perceive you whether you like it or not. So what’s the point in trying to wriggle into the mind of somebody elses? It’s much better to be ‘quiet’ in someone else’s mind than to be caged in your own, trying to figure out what people think about you.

What people think of you, especially if it’s negative, is not a fact. It’s somebody else’s opinion that might be entirely incorrect. So, it’s important to just focus on you and live your life the way you want to live it.

And if you’re someone who’s ever been made to feel small for being quiet, I want you to know this. There is nothing wrong with you. You are not lacking. You are not broken. You do not need fixing.

Quiet people often hold the loudest thoughts, the deepest compassion, and the sharpest observations. We notice the unspoken. We listen between the lines. And while the world may not always pause long enough to understand us, that doesn’t mean our presence isn’t powerful. It is.

There is beauty in being reflective. And there is absolute power in choosing your words carefully, in a world where people often speak just to fill the silence.

So no, I’m not going to apologise for being quiet anymore. Not in classrooms, not in social settings, not anywhere. Because quiet is not the absence of something, it is the presence of something else entirely.

So, cheers to the quiet ones. The ones who feel deeply. You don’t need to shout to be heard. You don’t need to change to belong.

You already belong. Just as you are.

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About Dazy Mag

Written by myself, Ciara, I want Dazy to feel like you’re talking with a best friend. Dazy is here for all of your girly chats that happen on the end of bed, in the car, on the phone, in a cafe - right here on your phone or laptop on Substack! You can expect:

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